Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Carved-in-Shadows' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 29th, 2006
12:39 am	Life is great. :) Work loves me. Feeling fantastic, have been for quite some time now. Busy busy. New Jersey was incredible. <3! George is wonderful. SO good to see him for five whole days! Lots of good talk, weighing options. AF is being pushed to deploy people for a year, but to much nicer conditions (relatively speaking, it'd still be Iraq), buuuut... more contact, and when he gets home he'd have finished a short Tour of Duty. He'd get choice of station, and he wants MacGuire AFB in New Jersey, near all our wunnerful friends in the EoE. Well, most of them. :) Deployment pay would let him pay off his new toy (cute little car!) and put a down payment on a house, which is what he wants. And a ring? We're trying to take it slow, but it's in the forseeable future. :) Huh, lots of QA jobs out there too. And such great people. Like family, and being there was like coming home. Boston in september. :) Been SO busy with folks from work and stuff at home! (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
5:20 pm	Everything Sucks! OK, not really. ;) Good gravy. Tuesday: "OMGWTF YOU DID ALL THIS WORK? :D :D :D" "Can you go down to Burlington from Wednesday to Saturday?" (I've been in Burlington for 6 of the last 8 weeks, but never for more than 4 days at a time). Wednesday: (In Burlington) "OMGWTF HI DO ALL THIS WORK :D :D :D :D" "Oh we need you until NEXT wednesday." "Hi I'm calling from your doctor and he LEFT THE COUNTRY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS without filling your prescription like he said he would so TBSS find a new doctor." "Oh don't worry your travel insurance will cover a prescription." Thursday: "OMGWTF HI DO ALL THIS WORK :D :D :D :D" (My head a splode) "We only need you until Saturday after all!" "If you want a prescription you have to go to the emergency ward for 8 hours!" Friday: "OMGWTF HI DO EVEN MORE WORK :D :D :D :D" "Oh by the way your travel insurance won't cover a prescription. Or an emergency visit. However, if you wind up hospitalized by the withdrawl symptoms, we'll cover that." (Kill doctors. Kill maim kill.) "By the way we need you until next Wednesday after all!" Finally: "We're sending you home on Sunday evening so you can get in touch with some doctors." Thank GOODNESS. I've been playing phonetag for way too long now. My head is so broken from work. I have doctors I can call when I get home, but no guarantees they'll see me. Still, they'll likely see me ONCE to refill my meds. Hopefully right away. Fingers crossed. So. Broken. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
11:55 pm	Things are much better. So so much better. Lots of talking and things seriously are really good. Feeling a lot better. Nobody hates each other, I'm not as crazy as I was worried I was, but my head has kicked out of OMGWTF gear and things are making more sense and are good. Good :) Happy. Comfortable. Things all make sense for us both. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
10:03 pm	Apparently a bunch of things were an accident, a result of stress and misconceptions, and I've been assured they were without malicious intent. So I believe that. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 31st, 2006
5:34 pm	Shadow Word: Pwn Feeling GREAT and there are reasons why! First, had a very productive morning despite my sleep schedule feeling funny. Feeling GOOD. Slept yesterday afternoon with the window open and sunlight shining down on me and just felt... renewed, reconnected. The feeling hasn't left. Spring is a wonderful thing. Got some cleaning and other stuff done. Then, work called. Not to call me in for the day... but to beg me to go to Vermont for a month to do some testing for a client there. Someone pulled out at the VERY last second, as I leave on SUNDAY! I checked to be sure my critters would be cared for as I know they're a handful and a half, and then said absolutely! So I'm off on an adventure! I'll be rooming with Rayaluna, which will be fun, and 6 other folks from Babel will be going with us. I'll be staying at a hotel the whole time, which means I'll be bringing my laptop, and can play WoW (sorta) and definitely be on AIM and check my mail and stuff. So much for werewolf this month! Oops! I was out and about for a few hours after stopping in to work to sign some insurance forms, and after a bunch of productive stops I'd been meaning to make for months, I went to EB games to get a new gameboy game for the trip and such. As I look around, I find something wonderful. Final Fantasy 7, 8 and Tactics. Used. For $15 apiece. To top it all off, when the guy is getting the discs to put them into the case, we both stare in awe. They are PRISTINE. These games have NEVER BEEN PLAYED. Imagine how happy I am. NO, I am not ebaying them ;) (Yes, I did wind up getting the gameboy game, too. Grand Theft Auto! How I love thee!) Heh, AND work asked me if I was interested in future trips! I said absolutely. I love to travel! I think this is exactly what I need, and feel absolutely no reservations about going. I'll miss my cats and Ivy like crazy, and my friends in Montreal even if I haven't seen anyone in quite a while. But I'll be around and in touch! Happy happy happy happy. I feel like myself :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
9:10 pm	Days go by! So things are sort of settling down lifewise, which is a very good thing. Over Christmas my parents issued the ultimatum that I wasn't really sick, so I was to take a full courseload and get all A's or they would sell my place, take me back to Ontario and place me in a psychiatric hospital. Obviously, I'm going to school lots more now, after my doctors saying I should be taking a single class mostly in order to keep seeing them. But it really wasn't much choice at all. Despite everything, I really am HAPPY out here with my friends and my place and being AWAY from my parents. I feel safe here. I don't, at home -- I start flinching the second I hear people walking or talking, knowing that they're going to come tell me to do things or get me to move a box from point a to point b or ask me meaningless questions and go after me again and again and again and again from 7am until my dad passes out drunk on the couch. It sounds so minor and meaningless, but it's several times an hour, every hour, no matter what is going on -- banging on the wall to summon me, and if I say I might be doing something, getting a lecture on how I don't have my own time because it is their house and I'm ungrateful. Woo vent. Can you tell I was home for a few too many days over Christmas? Speaking of, if you asked for something I mentioned in my last post, I need an address. :) Email me or leave it here (I'm leaving comments screened so it's safe, I take nothing for granted now!) and happiness will abound eventually. ;) I am liking my french course a lot, as it's french for people who have never taken french before -- I need the foundations, the building blocks. Even if I understand everything said, I cannot read or write things in the book, and I cannot speak as fluently as I listen. This will help, and will help a LOT. Thank goodness. Great prof, too, really energetic and makes the time fly by. I still play Wow, and entirely too much, but I'm not complaining about that. Still seeing doctors and doctors. My counsellor is talking about something nifty like a "life coach" so we'll see what that's all about. I'm generally optimistic, but it swings throughout the day and varies from day to day if I'm feeling so hopeless and tired it hurts, to feeling pretty good and ready to meet the day and the day after that. Friends make me loads happier :) Thank you, always. So stuff is still going. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
9:46 am	Weird and Random Doing okay, ups and downs to be expected. :) Game nights are definitely highlights of my week, as is discovering there's a 2-hour marathon of Alfred Hitchcock on every single morning. Going to visit my family for Christmas but will be back for New Year's! I've been meaning to post something about this stuff for a while, as it's taking up space in my place and needs to find new, happier homes. As it's the holidays and most folks are tapped out, a lot of it is cheap as free, free, or looking for some kinda weird exchange if you're so inclined. It's not going anywhere for a while, either, though I've tossed the list at a couple of hobby places. Stuff That Needs A Home: - Wireless keyboard and mouse (2 years old, used, a lot of keys worn off the keyboard but both working well). - A printer that kerfucks up the paper feed but otherwise works (HP, about 5 years old?), so if someone wants it to take apart or otherways fiddle with, it's homeless. - A really really cheap pair of speakers with no power supply (don't ask). Cards: - A special promo box of all 10 (p-1 to p-10) Skybox Gargoyles Pop-up Cards (unpopped) from Trading Cards Series 1 (1995) - The set of Star Trek: The Next Generation Series 1 cards from Skybox (1992) missing the french special language card - The limited edition Star Trek: Deep Space Nine premiere set, certificate #41534 of 50000 (Skybox, 1993) - Various X-Men Series 2 cards from 1993 - The set of Jurassic Park trading cards from Topps, 1993 - Older Pokemon Trading Cards and Game Cards, most noteworthy being two unopened Ancient Mew promotional cards, Mewtwo and Dragonite promotional cards, the legendary birds and mew promotional cards, and general odd items: Squirtle, Charizard and Charmander tin cans and jumbo foil cards. - Skybox's The Lion King (full set) - Kind of random collections of cards, anywhere from 9-100, more details can be supplied: - 1991 Upper Deck Baseball - 1995 Topps Baseball - 1990 Upper Deck Looney Toons All-Stars - Skybox The Nightmare Before Christmas - 1989-91 Nintendo Power Super Power Club Cards - 1990 Marvel Comics (Super Heroes, Super Villains and so on) - 1991 Marvel Comics (as above) - 1993 Marvel (as above) - 1994 Marvel - 1990 & 1991 Don Russ Baseball Cards - 1992 Don Russ Baseball Cards - 1992 Don Russ Mcdonald's Baseball Cards - 1992 30th Anniversary Spiderman II - 1992 Ghost Rider - 1993 DC Bloodlines - 1994 Mortal Combat Midway Cards - 1989 Batman (the movie) - etc in this strain of under 20 (mostly baseball, some more hockey, some more Marvel, some just weird) D&D etc Stuff: - The four Volo's Guide books, some spine wear and a crease on one cover: Waterdeep, the North, Cormyr and The Sword Coast (1993) - Vampire Diary: The Embrace (really nifty) book from 1994 - Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring: A Strategy Battle Game guidebook - A 3.0 hardcover D&D PHB that some idiot has written in pen in on several spell and deity pages - White Wolf's "The Book of Nod" - Most Forgotten Realms novels, well-read in original covers (paperback) -- only looking to keep a few in particular (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 26th, 2005
1:18 am	Always forgetting to update! November stuffs! - Looking for a job. Telus has been said (thanks Chris!) and a couple more have caught my eye in the paper. Will keep looking. - Meds good. Doctors okay. Saw the GP#2 a few weeks ago and she was unhappy that GP#1 had pushed me back to one appointment a month (versus weekly) as, despite the medication supposed to relieve pressure in my noggin (these are technical terms) my memory isn't improving. Much love to people who introduce themselves (or others) to me just about every time they see me. Sometimes I just need that little nudge, but I am pretty content just knowing "This person is a general friend and is nice so sit and talk with them" is tagged onto just about everyone I meet. :) As usual, if I ask where you work or what you go to school for and you've already told me, don't worry -- hell, means I'm interested enough to ask twice. ;) - That said, noticed that large social situations are very confusing and if I don't have a specific role to play I'm generally at a loss. Gaming is fine as I know the rules. General hanging out is just a bit beyond me -- not that I don't want to do it, entirely the opposite! I just draw a complete blank the same way I do at the grocery store when I buy food: I know I enjoy some foods, I know I love some foods, but damned if I remember what they are or what I'm supposed to eat. I like hanging out, I have loads of movies and a buncha video games and whatnot at my place, as well as just room to sit and talk. So I guess that'd work elsewhere, too. I just FORGET to call people :/ So call me! - All that said, The Dancing Cockbrothers rock my world. Amazing show, laughed so hard. Sorry I wimped out after-party, as... - New meds have led to my sleep schedule stabilizing, though not exactly where I'd prefer it (although it's probably better this way). I'm up by 8-9am every morning without an alarm, and start to get tired by 9pm. I can usually hang on a few more hours, but come midnight-1am I am CRASHED out. ;) Still, I am grateful for sleep after a few weeks of true insomnia (too tired to do anything, unable to fall asleep, so wandering around aimlessly with my eyes closed). - I have a second canary. Girlfriend to Larry the Canary is Mary the Canary. - Cats are pretty good, but worried about Lexie. Need a weight-gain formula for the little terror as I think she's lost weight on this "holistic" food (but wow has it made a difference in Zoe). I'm gonna end up with a skinny kitty and a fat kitty, I just know. ;) - I like pie. - I think I said this before, but with docs looking at surgery as early as 6 years from now (unless things get so bad them going in wouldn't make a difference in terms of damage done) it's kind of altered my perspective on gender -- or more importantly, perception of it. I don't intend to be making any changes at all as I'm downright happy with who I am, and by the time I could grow a beard I might well be a vegetable. Woo. I'm very happy as a somewhat androgynous person, and people can think of me or call me however the hell they want or whatever's simpler for them. ;) - Bed is empty. Well, except for cats. - I got extremely bored today, so decided to train King Mosh (one of the Devilsaurs) to Auberdine. Of course, it takes a lot of work to get Mosh even out of the crater without him eating you, but DoT's + minor speed increase + horse + spurs + shield can work wonders. Of course, the next issue was that Mosh cannot get up the elevator in Thousand Needles... so we contour walked the coast all. The. Way. To. Auberdine. About 6 or 7 low-levels managed to pull aggro off him and were promptly flattened as Mosh went on a rampage, and quickly a bunch of 60's showed up and put my pet down. Shame, really. He was enjoying himself chomping on NPC Sentinels. My goal is to get him on the boat, next time, and survive the trip to Darnassus itself. Mosh says "Dang I'm huge!". - Sleepy now. Bed. Much love to folks I don't see, and even more to folks I do see or hear from somewhat regularly. Don't know what I'd do without friends and understanding people. Certainly wouldn't be feeling so positive towards life or able to even consider doing what I do without. So much love to Ivy for living with me every day and my general brainmeltyness. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
9:51 pm	Zul'Gurub with the raid leader drinking gin and tonic: [CTRaid broadcast] [Channel is now Gin+Tonic=WIN] "KILL KILL KILL" "Sheep sap frost trap anything still moving KILL IT" "STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER" "We don't Explore that sort of thing in Evermoore." "Before rushing the boss, ask yourself a crucial question: 'Am I healed?'" "Then we DPS her until she screams NO MORE NO MORE TAKE MY LOOT!" (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
10:22 pm	Scarlet Strath, moving from the undead to the living pulls: Paladin: I keep casting Exorcise. Damnit. Priest: Maybe it'll work. And they'll join us. Mage: Yeah, the evil in them should count. Priest: Then you'd have to exorcise [Mage], too. Paladin: I can't Exorcise ASSHOLE. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
8:07 pm	I'd just like to mention... To the rubberneckers apparently being sent here, I have absolutely no desire for idiotic stuff that is happening in WoW to spill even FURTHER into my life. This is my personal journal, and the people splashing it around have no business being here. As a result, it is now friends-only. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
8:57 am	It has been called to my attention that the empty jug from my cat litter happens to be the perfect size to fit perfectly in the litterbox. Why Zoe put it there is of less question than HOW. Must kill cats. After more sleep. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
2:20 pm	Status Report Firstly, thank you so much for everything you've all said. It's so nice knowing I have folks who care, and awesome people are out there. You rock so much. Had my EEG on Friday -- did I already post about that? Electrodes glued to my head was weird. I wanted to see the machine and see if thinking hard made it do different things, but they said it wasn't a toy (but darnit, I'll bet they've played with it!). I get the results beyond "you have brainwaves!" sometime in the next couple of weeks. My CT scan is wednesday, which was kind of a surprise -- I expected to fight with them over a date like 6 months from now. So that's great. That's probably going to be the most telling test right there as to whether or not this is a medical problem or a psychological one. Saw the nice counsellor today and he's awesome still. Talked about focusing on solutions, not problems. He noticed I was much happier and upbeat and had energy, which has been the case since I went off the Remeron and to double doses of Prozac and Trazodone. He said he agrees with the doctors that if they KNOW my medication is gonna keep being screwed with and keep messing me up to drop all but one class (so I can keep seeing them) and he can help me get my tuition back for the rest. Also talked about a part-time job, getting back involved with Scouting and so on. As for med side-effects, I'm feeling much more myself -- when I'm awake. However, they have me knocked out within 20 minutes of taking them wzashere I sleep through EVERYTHING for up to 18 hours. This is not good. It also leaves me feeling like I've been hit by a truck (repeatedly) and sore. Of course, the really epic, vivid dreams are back, but that's generally a good thing. I like dreaming of werewolves. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
6:17 pm	Another day of doctors. Second opinion psychiatrist is lending me towards a deep dislike and distrust of the field. She would ask questions only to cut me off halfway through the answer, stopped listening about ten minutes in, and kept repeating things back to me wrong. Once again, I was left to MY doctor, reading me her notes, to tell me just what she decided and had done. I don't understand why the doctors will not talk to me. Am I not an adult anymore? Are these doctors my parents? Why do they hide their own notes from me? Why do my doctors shield them from me so I can't read them, when they do? Why can't they just talk TO me? "I'll speak to your doctor about this," the psychiatrist told me. "Which one?" asked a confused me, having four or five now. "Your DOCTOR," she replied, and walked out the door. It wasn't until two hours later, when I saw one of the two GPs handling me, I found out she'd made the decision to be referred to the Douglas Hospital. "You don't have a problem," she told me. "This sounds fishy. If you remember to set your alarm you can't have a memory problem." But she referred me for long-term psychiatric care. "It could be a neurological problem." I don't. Understand. Music with words. Lots of words. TV with words. Movies with words. HAVE to have words surrounding me now, to drown things out. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry they'll forgive me they won't understand I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not strong enough I'm sorry. I have. To drown them out. Have to do things. "You're too young for alzheimers or dementia or a vascular problem. It's not concentrated enough for a brain tumour. So come back next week." Concentration's shot. Can't even sit and game or read anymore, have to get up walk around leave do other things. Remeron's swapped out for stronger trazoderm. Trazadome. Stronger prozac. Muddier head will drown things out. The answer is more of the pills and more pills. More pills. More doctors. More psychiatrists to give me more pills. More psychiatrists to ask me why I'm still alive, do you want to kill yourself with sleeping pills? We'll prescribe you sleeping pills. Lots and lots of sleeping pills. I'm too exhausted and defeated to be angry, and too angry to just lay down. Doctor wants me to drop all classes but one. Drop all my classes but then I can't see the doctors. Drop all but one she said. You're only taking them so you can see the doctors. See doctors to take classes to see doctors. Nowhere in any of this are they listening. The only, only, only one who is, isn't even a doctor. Counselling and development. Listens because it's all he can do. There is no one for him to refer me to, no pills to give me so I stop coming, no other doctors to push me off on. My friends listen and offer advice and I'm grateful for it. For the listening. For the hope. For the offering. I'm grateful for it. I've done nothing to deserve it, but I'm grateful all the same. Come back next week and next week and next week. What happens to me in between those weeks... they really don't care. They don't ask. Doesn't matter. Side-effects or effects, that's all. Appetite mood concentration sleep come back next week. Step by dragging step, I'm giving up. I miss the wind and the trees, the stars so sharp and bright without the city lights. I miss the sound of no cars or trains or planes, no whines or whirrs. I miss the smell of the earth and no cigarette smoke or pavement, grass I can lay in without knowing half the city's dogs have done their business there, birds beyond sparrows and pigeons and the odd park squirrel. I'm empty inside, step by step, giving up. The world is an alien place to me, full of people I don't know and can't relate to, running cycles I can't begin to fathom or mimic or find value or joy in. Nothing brings me joy anymore... nothing is enjoyable, anymore. The best I can hope for is sliding into numbness or distraction for a while, music with words and words on pages, until I can sleep. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
4:04 pm	New meds. Remeron? Something like that. Supposed to replace the evening antidepressant and maybe eventually the prozac at a higher dose. Think it's an MAOI? Not sure. Lower dose currently kicks my ass around town. Yesterday, was too weak to get out of bed for most of the day, very dizzy, muddy, disoriented. Groggy. Today, still very dizzy and rubbery but went to the C&D guy anyhow. Went back to bed after. Up now. Still so very muddy, hot soup in my head, head aches, big bubble around me. Almost numb, but too muddled to be numb. The doc would say this is better than feeling suicidal, but I'm not sure. At least that's... sharp. Clear. Talked to the C&D guy for an hour. He's the proactive one? Really nice guy. Told him all about what was going on with the doctors, and so on. He's so nice. Doesn't dismiss stuff, actually listens. Sees a lot. Talked about why. Why feeling suicidal? What're the words? Before it was "It hurts to live". Now it's just "I want to rest" or "They'll forgive me" or "I'm sorry". I'm sorry is a big one. Why? Talked about my parents, my family. Spending my life trying to be good enough. Talked about my life being a big styrafoam cup... when I hear "You're a good person, you did a good job, you're a good friend, I'm proud of you" it fills up the cup. But the constant "You're not good enough, you should be doing this, why aren't you doing this" pokes holes in it. So it leaks out. Until the holes are so big that no matter how much is coming in, it all flows back out again. Does this all sound painfully obvious? I feel stupid for it making so much sense and not having really seen it for myself. Or maybe I have and have forgotten. I don't know. And the guilt. GODS, the guilt. "I should be able" is another phrase I say a lot, think a lot. That and "Who am I to". Who am I, to say life is hard? Who am I, to say this when I have so much, am given so much? Who am I to feel this way when people have things so, so much worse? Who am I, to have these things in the first place, when others deserve them so much more. I deserve good things. He said to say it, and say how it felt. It rings hollow. Empty. I do not. Kept pushing -- why not? I don't know. I don't know. Was my answer to a lot. Talked about that. Why I don't know... and don't let myself know. No hopes, no dreams, no goals, no future. He said it's interesting, ironic, that in losing my memory -- my past -- I've also lost my future. Maybe because I lost the one first, I've lost the other. Without future, what am I? I have no goals, no hopes, no dreams for the future. There is nothing, anymore. There hasn't been for some time. Not even silly, unserious fantasies about horse farms or living in the woods. Nothing. Why not? I don't know. I don't let myself have them anymore. It used to be "I can do this". Now the moment anything starts as a thought, it's surrounded by a hundred others that choke it down. "No, you can't, and even if you did, why? It wouldn't be good enough." Have to fix it. Emptiness inside. Will think more, lots more. It's an internal thing. He said that something is causing me to shut down so hard that only this very moment is existing, that something needs to be taken care of so much that everything else is being pushed away -- and moreover, it's hurting enough that the idea of killing myself is a relief. Being a healer. I find worth in what I do for others... but when I stop doing, I stop having worth. When I need, I stop having worth. When I have nothing to pour myself into completely -- a relationship, work, something I find value and recognition and accomplishment in -- I am nothing. I used to take care of people. Now I have trouble taking care of myself, need help taking care of things around me (and gods only know what I'd do without Ivy doing so... I don't thank you enough for it). At the same time, now, there's no motivation left to go find those who need it, get back into the things I did. Just exhaustion. But at the same time, I'm still here. He said that's not nothing. Said he's SEEN people who have given up before, and I haven't. Not yet. Said there is SOMETHING driving me, getting me out of bed and making me put one foot in front of the other. Not even with school, but just that I DO get up every day, even if it's not far to play online or go to the grocery store or see a doctor. That I'm still seeing doctors. I'm still trying. I don't know what's doing that, either (sneaking suspicion of pure stubbournness). Lot to think about. But it doesn't hurt to live. I'm not done. The thoughts come, but they pass, too - come less often when I'm so frustratingly head-muddled I can't think straight. They DO pass, or else I'd have called. But I don't want to have them at all. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
12:42 pm	So uh. Saw the neurologist. She thinks it's psychological. Psychiatrist thinks it's neurological. Neither thinks I need to see them again. So. C'est pas ma job. Good luck with that. Bye. It's common for people with disabilities to feel depressed, they said. Like common makes it suddenly all better or okay. Only person who's actually listened to how HARD every single day has become isn't even an actual doctor. The Counselling and Development guy. And he was just a peripheral. Going to the doc's in a few, then class later tonight, I guess. Don't know why. I'm only going to school to see doctors, now... it's not like I'll remember any of this. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
5:38 pm	First of all, THANK YOU to whoever it was that bought me a year's paid account. I don't know who, but wow -- was that ever amazing to see in my mailbox. I guess I have no choice but to update more now, eh? ;) Zoe's first trip to the vet was fairly uneventful for her, and while it took nearly two hours, we got everything we needed -- negative for feline leukemia and HIV, deworming pills, flea stuff for all the cats in the house. She's BIG, but the vet showed me some of her baby teeth still in, so it places her at about 5 months. She's gonna be huge! For me, however, the trip was indeed eventful. What the HELL is it about having an animal in a carrier that invites all sorts of people to come talk to you? Normally I don't mind -- hell, I was used to people engaging me in animal conversation at all hours of the day because of where I worked -- but I DO mind when they start invading my personal space. To the extent of squeezing my arm, stroking my arm, then stroking my hair. AGH! BACK OFF. I retreated to the benches from the 40-something guy telling me he loved me, and when he followed, plunged right into a mess of teens on the metro. Them squealing over my cat in the carrier was a tremendous relief from the guy who I knew was going to make a reach for my chest. Gods damn it, too. My hair is stupidly short right now but only manages to round my head out more, but I was wearing really loose clothing and an extra layer beneath, to no avail. Agh. Keep these people away from me! Don't think I'm going to werewolf tonight, and it's not because of the rain. REALLY sorry, I miss you all VERY much, but I've had a pounding headache for the last four days that refuses to leave me alone. It left me extremely disoriented and confused for the last few days, enough to feel downright wretched enough last night to miss a class I actually wanted to go to (and was all the way out there with Ivy, but turned around and went home to sleep). I am around for quieter stuff this weekend... my place is still pretty cool, and it'd give me an excuse to clean my room. I still have to finish painting the balconies, but as it actually IS raining today, I can't do that today. Oh, and WoW-wise? My priest hit level 60 two days ago, and Skif is at 50 and itching to get higher as well. I'm still with the same RPing guild, am part of a raiding alliance and have made numerous forays into MC (though we just killed Magdamar on Sunday for the first time, and I was there for it!) and means I can get a group to just about anywhere at any time of the day. SASU (Swords And Spells United) kicks ASS as the rules are pretty simple. "Don't be an idiot, and don't do lockout raids with other people if you could be doing them with us." No respeccing (I'm a shadow/disc priest who melts faces in PVP and one of the better healers skill-wise in the raiding company, but AV only comes up two or three times a week on Earthen Ring), no changing guilds, no "You must do X number of instances with us to get lootz". My gear is very nice, but there's enough room for improvement I don't intend to get bored doing endgame stuff anytime soon. Plus, Skif needs some love now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
3:15 pm	So this is what the hell's going on with me, in a slightly more understandable form, I hope: My memory is very bad, and as far as I can tell (my basis for comparison SUCKS because I can't REMEMBER what things felt like two or three days ago, nevermind weeks or months) is getting a bit worse. I'm confused a lot recently, my head feeling like there's a lot of pressure behind my eyes or hot and soupy or full of wool. It could be a side-effect of the meds. I'm exhausted and rubbed kinda raw emotionally by all of this because it's frustrating as hell and really damned scary with the things they want to rule out (brain tumour, dementia, early onset alzheimers). They want to rule them OUT, it doesn't mean I have any of them. The depression may have been triggered by this or I may be worse like this because of the depression, but the meds (or seeing doctors) or SOMETHING has helped with that -- I'm generally a lot better, moodwise, in fairly good cheer if withdrawn as hell. There are reasons for the withdrawl. The first is that, honestly, I forget anyone exists if I don't talk to them every few days. I apologize -- it's not that my friends are forgettable. I just CANNOT remember to call people if I don't either have it written on my wipeboard or have an IM staring me in the face saying "CALL ME" -- and phone numbers? Yeah, I need them too. The second is that I either feel incredibly guilty or anxious at the thought of being around people I haven't seen for a while, despite knowing you're friends and don't care, or I get anxious and frustrated over the timings of things (I keep forgetting what day it is, so on fridays I forget if I have werewolf or not, or even that it IS friday, until the day after). I feel awful and guilty because I'm suddenly so dependant on other people to do things for me, like tell me "We're going to the gym at this time" or even things like cleaning and so on. I forget to eat, I forget to buy groceries, or I get to the grocery store and forget what I went there for and just buy coke and bread. I feel like a burden, and I HATE that feeling, of having to have people be the ones to tell ME "Hey, let's do something tomorrow" and then call me again tomorrow to remind me. The doctor I saw today said that for friends it's NOT a burden once they know what's going on, so... here's what's going on. Heh. I have a neurology appointment in a week, although I don't know exactly what's going to happen then. The doc I saw today said that this isn't a learning disability or something like that, but most definitely medical in nature. He called it an "invisible disability" that would continue to freak me out whenever a receptionist started firing off questions about my address, phone number, postal code (all things I have to carry on a piece of paper in my wallet because I cannot remember them), but we'll work on ways to tackle stuff like that and I can let people know it's an actual problem. This includes classes and profs, and he's going to see what else in the system he can find to help me out NOW, as no one knows how long the neurology stuff will take (or if they WILL find anything or if they do if they can even HELP anything about it!). He's a fan of "things that beep" and says he might be able to get me some funky things like pocket organizers that beep when it's time to eat or study or go to class and so on. Moreover, he wants to see me weekly to help me deal with this. I cried a lot today, first time I've really cried at a doc's in a while. Stuff on how my perception of myself (and others of me) is likely going to change to a "person with a disability" and that I have to admit and accept it. It may not last forever. It may be treatable. It may not. The not knowing is HARD, but pretending things aren't as they are or feeling guilty and awful that I SHOULD be healthy and fine and able to do things on my own... is bad for me. My parents doing that to me is also bad, but he said it's pretty normal for parents to dismiss stuff or pretend it'll go away because it's hard for them to deal with. He's really nice. He's going to help me through this in the academic way, but also in life and trying to get things back together for me -- because they aren't all that much, right now. I hope this helps somewhat. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
1:35 am	More updateys, though not often! So things are going all right. Making progress -- that's always good, eh? Doctor stuff. Meds seem to be doing a decent job. Nighttime ones make me really groggy, but that's okay. Most days are pretty good, I had a friend from WoW visit for a few days and stuff was REALLY good -- got out a lot, showed him all over Montreal and realized I knew more stuff in the city than I thought I did. Was nice having someone around all the time, too. And it's nice having crashspace. I'm still forgetting... everything. Jaime, I missed your birthday party and I'm SO sorry. I thought it was this weekend for some reason. Happy Belated. Most days I'm not even totally sure what day it is. :) Oh well. Taking three classes -- Marketing, Management and Geology. Looking good so far. All are 5:45-8pm, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I also joined Curves, a gym, with Ivy and her friend Janet, so I'm going three times a week. Feels really good. Concerned about concentration in long classes -- I catch myself totally spacing at points. Note-taking helps even if one prof doesn't want us taking notes in class. I'll email him and explain. Plus it helps me remember. Different doctor tests next week. Good stuff. Neuro tests keep getting closer. Also good. Uh. So. This cat kinda followed me home from the metro station. Literally. She was after some milk someone had spilled on the ground but not sure how to get at it as it was a small splash in the pockmarked pavement, and it was drizzling out still. So I crouched down and talked to her a bit, and she eventually was coaxed into letting me pet her and suddenly went OMGPURRPURRPURRILOVEYOU. Little silver tabby, looks like she's about seven or eight months old. Doesn't really meow, kinda squeaks. Was OMGSTARVING. So after I pet her, she followed me along the sidewalk. Decided she was coming with me. Let me carry her across both streets I had to cross and otherwise scampered alongside me, checking everything out as we went. Opened the door to the condo and she shyed away a little, then came bounding inside. She's locked in my room with me so she can stuff her little face with kitten kibbles and play with OMGSOMANYTOYS. No fleas, bit thin under poofy (but short) fur, big ears and big feet and big thick tail. She's a real cutie. Think she might have ear mites at a better look under light, so keeping her away from the other cats (and they don't have any shots). Gonna put her picture up in a few places and see if anyone calls. If not... either I have a new cat, or one of my friends does. If you're looking, let me know. ;) Will try to update more. Hell, will try to start READING LJ. Miss you folks. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
10:11 pm	Long Time No Update Hey folks! I'm sorry I haven't been around at all, not reading anyone's LJ and so on. Been seeing docs at Concordia for about a month. I'd started getting down, then depressed, then to the point where I'd... gone back to a year and a half ago. Same thoughts, same phantom pain, same... awfulness. So I called Health Services and told them, and they started bringing me in once a week. My memory's been getting worse, too. I can't remember my own phone number or address, if I recognize people in the street or not, or when's the last time I spoke to someone or went somewhere. It's... beyond frustrating, and I'm so sorry to everyone I've lost touch with because of it. I'm on a couple of medications and have a Neurology appointment for September 20th where they'll start working me up, eventually doing an MRI and CT scan. They want to rule out everything, and the stuff the want to rule out is... damned scary. I'm scared, honestly. But sitting and waiting. Registered for fall classes. Stuff with my parents is... strained. I do love the house. I gave Whistler and Mica away to a friend so they'll get lots of love and attention because I wasn't taking very good care of them at all. Larry and Lexie are still here. I'm so sorry I've disappeared. Just trying to get everything back together again. The meds seem to make a good difference, but I still have... pretty bad days. (10 Comments |Comment on this)